Jokes

A Lawyer and a Blonde Joke

feeds@kickapps.com (jmoneyboy32) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:49:32 PST

A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works.

I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa. Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

Okay, how about this: if you don't know...

A Dirty Joke (Don't get mad Edifier)

feeds@kickapps.com (jmoneyboy32) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:03:39 PST

A horse falls down in the mud.

No More TV For Old People?

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:44:43 PST

http://www.hulu.com/watch...-spike-feresten-cable-psa

Funny Pics

feeds@kickapps.com (Dave Munson) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 09:40:40 PST

Army of The Lord

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:27:35 PST

A man was coming out of church on Easter Sunday, and the minister was standing at the door shaking hands. He grasped the man's hand and said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Said the man, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Reverend!"

"So why do I only see you at Christmas and Easter?"

Back came the whisper, "Sshh - I'm in the secret service!"

Exercising Advice

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 11:49:19 PST

1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spending $500 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.

7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small...

License Photo

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 11:48:53 PST

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Proverbs 17:22a A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.

feeds@kickapps.com (Dave Munson) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 05:32:04 PST

Friar's Florist

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving...

Gone shopping

feeds@kickapps.com (Gilbert) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:21:08 PST

A woman has decided to spend the whole day by herself in the mall shopping. She shops at a few stores and buys a few things. She has never found the time to do this in so long and can't even remember the last time she got to do this. During picking out dresses however, her phone rings. She picks it up and it happens to be a nurse who tells her that her husband was in a freak accident and is now in critical condition at the hospital. Upon hearing this she gets upset. Her perfect day was just getting started and her husband, as usual, has managed to end it. She thinks for a moment and decides that she won't let this ruin her day, and says to herself that she will treat herself a bit more before checking up on her husband. So she goes to a few more stores, shops around, gets some starbucks for a mid day snack and then shops some more. Hours pass by and she then remembers about her husband. Feeling guilty she rushes to the hospital and runs into the nurse.

"Oh...

Seven Up

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:54:03 PST

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

You have a face like a million dollars...

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:33:34 PST

All green and wrinkled!

Sick Banana

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:30:02 PST

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well

Two Guys In a Bar

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:24:22 PST

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. Then the bartender says, "Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here." So the two guys look at each other and swap lunches.

Nice Suit

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:22:48 PST

A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn't want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it's too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it's still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.

"That's more like it!", the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.

"No problem," says the tailor, "Just hunch up your right shoulder."

So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.

"No problem," says the tailor, "Just stick out your left arm and ##%# it like a bird's wing."

So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.

...

Twelve Shots

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:12:58 PST

Twelve Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."

Parrot Technique

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:11:47 PST

Parrot Technique

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Police Emergency

feeds@kickapps.com (David) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:32:45 PST

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars...

What do you call a boy named Justin Swanson who waits till the last minute to do a project?

feeds@kickapps.com (jmoneyboy32) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:11:10 PST

I don't even know the answer to that one.

Chuck Norris Facts

feeds@kickapps.com (Edifier) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 03:05:40 PST

Post those Chuck Norris "facts" here!!

I'll start...

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

What do you call a Pig in lipstick?

feeds@kickapps.com (jmoneyboy32) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 09:15:21 PST

You call him Edifier